The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter, It isn't just one of your holiday games; You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter When I tell you, a cat must have Three different names. First of all, there's the name that the family uses daily, Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James, Such as Victor or Jonathon, George or Bill Bailey- All of them sensible everyday names. There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter, Some for the gentlemen, some for the Dames: Such as Plato,Admetus,Electra,Demeter - But all of them sensible everyday names. But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep us his tail perpendicular Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride? Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum, Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat, Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellyorum- Names that never belong to more than one cat. But above and beyondthere's still one name left over, And that is the name you never will guess; The name that no human research can discover- But the cat himself knows, and will never confess. When you notice a cat in profound meditation, The reason, I tell you, is always the same; His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name: His eneffable effable Effanineffable Deep and inscrutable singular Name.
The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat; If you offer him a pheasant he would rather have a grouse. If you put him in a house he would much prefer a flat, If you put him in a flat then he'd rather have a house. If you set him on a mouse then he only wants a rat, If you set him on a rat then he'd rather chase a mouse. Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat- And there isn't any call for me to shout it: For he will do As he do do And there's no doing anything about it!
The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore: When you let him in he wants to be out; He's always on the wrong side of every door, And as soon as he's at home, then he'd like to get about. He likes to lie in the bureau drawer, But he makes such a fuss if he can't get out. Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat- And there isn't any use for you to doubt it; For he will do As he do do And there's no doing anything about it!
The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast: His disobliging ways are a matter of habit. If you offer him fish then he always wants a feast; When there isn't any fish then he won't eat rabbit. If you offer him cream then he sniffs and sneers, For he only likes what he finds for himself; So you'll catch him in it right up to his ears, If you put it away on the larder shelf. The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing, Rhe RuM Tum Tugger doesn't care for a cuddle; But he'll leap on your lap in the middle of your sewing, For there's nothing he enjoys like a horrible muddle. Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat- And there isn't any need for me to spout it: For he will do As he do do And there's no doing anything about it!
Old Deuteronomy lived a long time, He's a cat who has lived many lives in succession. He was favourite in proverb and famous in rhyme A long time before Queen Victoria's accession. Old Deuteronomy buried nine wives And more- I am tempted to say ninety nine; And his numerous progeny prospers and thrives And the village is proud of him in his decline. At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy, When he sits in the sun on the vicarage wall, The oldest inhabitant croaks: "well of all ... Things ... can it be... reallt! No!...Yes!... Ho! Hi! Oh my eye! My sight may be failing, but yes I confess I believe it's old Deuteronomy!"
Old Deuteronomy sits in the street, He sits in the high street on market day; The bullocks may bellow, the sheep they may bleat, But the dogs and the hedsmen may turn them away. The cars and the lorries run over the kerb, And the villagers put up a notice: Road Closed- So nothing untoward may chance to disturb Deuteronomy's rest when he feels disposed Or when he's engaged in domestic economy: And the oldest inhabitant croaks: "well of all ... Things... Can it be...really! ... No!...Yes!... Ho! Hi! Oh my eye! I'm deaf of an ear now, but yes I can guess That the cause of the trouble is old Deuteronomy!"
Old Deuteronomy lies on the floor Of the Fox and the French horn for his afternnon sleep; And when the men say:"There's just time for one more" Then the landlady from her back parlour will peep And say: "Now then, out you go, by the back door, For old Deuteronomy mustn't be woken- I'll have the police if there's any uproar- And out they all shuffle, without a word spoken. The digestive repose of that's feline gastronomy Must never be broken, whatever befall: And the oldest inhabitant croaks: "Well , of all ... Things...Can it be...really!...Yes!...No!... Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye! My legs may be tottery, I must go slow And be careful of old Deuteronomy!"
Macavity's a mystery cat: he's called the Hidden paw- For he's the master criminal who can defy the law . He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard,the flying squads despair: For when they reach the scene of crime, Macavity's not there!
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity, He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity. His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare, And when you reach the scene of a crime, Macavity's not there! You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air- But I tell you once again, Macavity's not there!
Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin, You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in. His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly doomed; His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed. He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake; And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake.
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity, For he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity. You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in a square- But when a crimes discovered, Macavity's not there!
He's outward respectable. (They say he cheats at cards) And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yards. And when the Larders looted, or the jewel case is rifled, Or when the milk is missing, or another Pekes been stifled, Or when the greenhouse glass is broken,and the trellis past repair- And the wonder of the thing, Macavity's not there!
And when the foreign office find a treaty's gone astray, Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way, There may be a scrap of paper in the hall or on the stair- But it's useless to investigate, Macavity's not been there! And when the loss has been disclosed, the secret service say: It must have been Macavity! but he's a mile away. You're sure to find him resting, or a licking of his thumbs, Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity, There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity. He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare, At whatever time the deed took place, Macavity wasn't there! And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known ( I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone) Are nothing more than agents for the cat who all the time Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of crime!
